I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
