On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
