She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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