I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
