do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
