We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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