She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
