The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
