I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
