Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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