Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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