Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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