Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you didnt know i had herpes?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
