This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think your dad took our porno
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
