my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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