Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
