It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
