She is in my trunk
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
