I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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