i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize