the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
