My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
