Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
