Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
