Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
