Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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