I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My hand turned me down
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
