if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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