we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
my liver is dry heaving
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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