Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
