Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
