I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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