Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize