New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
