3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
