i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
