Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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