i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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