Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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