When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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