party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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