Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
