I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
