You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
