her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
