I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
