Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
