My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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