im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
