I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
