New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
