Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
