When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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